‘The man I killed’
June 29, 2006, 7:55 am
Posted by Grant Gallicho
Anne Lamott had a provocative op-ed in Monday’s L.A. Times on her participation in an assisted suicide. It certainly gets the wheels turning, and I have some thoughts about this powerful piece. I hope I can put them together later, but in the meantime, have a look.
(Hat tip: Amy Welborn.)
Ok, let me go way out on a limb here. This is wrong.
Christians don’t glorify the cross, we don’t make a fetish of it, but we do recognize that it’s not just for people with no connections.
Part of being human is a recognition of the radical poverty that names who I am, even if I try with all my might to ignore the poverty that is mine. In this essay I’m struck by the – perhaps understandable – need to control the story of what an acceptable human life is, and I’m struck by how much of human life is not admissible, and how anxious these folks are to preserve the illusion till the end, in well-loved pajamas and quoting Shakespeare.
Here we have a man who probably dying, who has a history of depression, who is not – from what we’re told – in unmanageable pain. His talents, his charm, his cultivation – all are slipping away. He is in danger of becoming a burden, perhaps unpleasant, certainly boring. His fear of death is not as strong as his fear of a look of exasperation flashing across his spouse’s face, of the stifled yawn as his friend sits by his side, of the strange hands turning him in the hospice.
I want none of this indignity, I say with half my heart. Only half, of course, because the rest is stone and still has much to learn.
The older I get, the less judgmental I usually am of the difficult choices others must make. As a general rule, I think that hesitancy to judge has served me well. However, though I can’t directly relate to the flood of emotions, worries, and fears that a terminally ill person must face, this op-ed disturbed me, first for (forgive me) “Mel’s” final act of self-centeredness, but even more because of the author’s misunderstanding about what it is to be a Christian:
“Mel was sort of surprised that as a Christian I so staunchly agreed with him about assisted suicide: I believed that life was a kind of Earth school, so even though assisted suicide meant you were getting out early, before the term ended, you were going to be leaving anyway, so who said it wasn’t OK to take an incomplete in the course?”
I don’t mean to be unkind, but where did her Christian formation take place? We’re all supposed to try to finish the course; only the Supreme Registrar can give us an incomplete.
It is too bad that the author did not attempt to convey to her friend, an unbeliever, something about the redemptive power of suffering. And I don’t mean accepting excruciating pain. The hospice movement and modern medical pain management have made great strides in alleviating the physical pain of the terminally ill.
I’ll share one personal example of how I hope to face death. I have a great-aunt, a nun, who will be 100 in another couple of months. She has had a long, distinguished, and other-centered life. She is now bedridden and in failing health, yet she cheerfully offers her pain and suffering for the souls in purgatory, a place we in the family know will not be a required stop during her final transit. I hope it is not uncharitable of me, but I admire her attitude about death much more than I can admire that of Mel’s and the author’s.
Anne Lamott makes me nuts, and I shouldn’t have read this post.
My dad is in the end stages of emphysema and has numerous other health problems. My mom has a copy of “Final Exit.”
They are non-believers and find the whole notion of suffering–even willing suffering–completely pointless and sadistic. Because there is no Purgatory, there are no tormented souls, and if your God is so mercifiul, why does he “feed” on the suffering of sick people?
They euthanized their pets, and why oughtn’t Dad be treated with as much kindness as the dog?
I have been able to talk them out of “final exiting” a couple of times by asking them, in the most neutral way I can, to explain in detail how they will accomplish this task and to think about what it will entail. (If you’ve read “Final Exit,” you know it takes a fair amount of advance planning and you have to make sure you don’t botch the job.)
Each time, it seems to occur to them that the preparations for such an “exit” are too awful to contemplate, that they can go on a little while longer. I try to have some alternatives to offer after talking to my own doc, and they end up going to their physician and getting a little more help that will make life bearable.
However, every time we have one of these conversations, I feel sadistic for making them see that their “final exit” strategy is no kinder than the options the doctor has offered.
I have taken away the thing they want to believe in–that Dad will not suffer at the end. And they remain frightened and anxious.
What a great Christian I am, huh?
Jean–
I’m moved by your post and the circumstances your family is struggling with. I hesitate to make any sugestions about something so personal and intimate. If someone does not believe in an afterlife presided over by a Creator that judges people’s actions on earth, then I can understand that such a person might find suffering pointless. I don’t have any words of wisdom–though I hope others do–to help you convince your parents, but I do believe in the transcendent power of prayer, and pleased be assured that you and your family are in my prayers.
God bless.
Bill
What you do is tell the doctor, “My mother has a copy of ‘Final Exit’ and she’s not afraid to use it. What can you offer them that’s better?”
Amazing what kind of palliatives can be obtained once you lay that on the line. So I suppose the ghouls in the Hemlock Society have actually done some good in a way.
Beyond that, you pray your head off for the discernment to see the difference between helping someone in misery with the most aggressive care possible. And puttting them out of YOUR misery because it’s all just too hard for you to take.
For several years, I provided contract hospice/home health medical social work services to several local home health and hospice agencies. In that capacity, I have helped many people and their families prepare for death, and have sat bedside with many who were dying.
Most people don’t appreciate the power of palliative care. With proper hospice care, there is no reason that the dying person should experience unbearable pain. The fears that one experiences in confronting death can be dealt with very effectively with a combination of information about palliative care options (including respite care for family members), and effective counseling for the patient and caregivers.
Through this process, even people without a faith can come to appreciate the fact that rather than being a burden, their sickness is giving their spouse and families an opportunity to love them in a deeper way than ever, and that even in their frailty they are giving a gift to their families by giving them an opportunity to express the love and generosity that allows those around them to show their humanity at its best.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen even people without faith who went into the process of dying terrified who, with proper support, became so grateful to see the outpouring of love that came from so many people in so many unexpected ways. Similarly, I can’t tell you the number of spouses and families who have shared how important those last months together were to bring closure to old wounds, or make new connections that would last an eternity.
To kill the dying is to rob them of the opportunity to know that one can love and be loved to the very end. People like Lamott are misguided, self-appointed angels of death who should be in prison, not celebrating their “courage” in the pages of one of America’s most prominent newspapers.
As for those who “wouldn’t think of standing in judgement” of those who kill the sick and dying, I would respectfully suggest that you don’t know what you’re talking about. Do yourself a favor and volunteer as a hospice respite care worker for a while. You’ll learn to overcome your own fear of death and see what a blessing you can be to others at the time of theirs.
Greg’s faith obviously calls him to comfort the sick and dying.
However, I’m not about to advocate putting my elderly mother in prison (if she and Dad decide to go the Final Exit route) simply because she doesn’t have Greg’s faith, Greg’s access to top-notch hospice care, or doctors who won’t be aggressive about palliative care.
Jean,
I wasn’t intending my post to be read as giving you personal counsel. That said, you read my entire post and all you got out of it was that I would suggest putting your mother in prison? I am having a hard time understanding what I intended to be a compassionate response to suffering as a judgement on you.
If your mother killed someone, like Lamott, then yes, off to jail she should go. Jail is the place for murderers, and any one who has spent time with prisoners (Peter?) knows that criminals always believe that their particular sufferings exempted them from the law.
But my point was that the fear that people experience in the face of these experiences is due to ignorance and that the cure for ignorance is information and love–pretty much what you are doing.
Finally, as far as having access to top-notch care, I live in the middle of what a dear friend of mine calls, “god-forsaken wilderness” of central Ohio. There is nothing here. I can assure you if we have adequate hospice care that there is a almost assuredly a hospice that covers your area. Your point about docs being afraid of painkillers is only true of PCP docs. PCP’s won’t prescribe palliative care, they’re terrified. But hospice docs will.
I wish you nothing but the best in your extraordinarily difficult situation and I hope that you will find the assistance that you need to provide appropriate are for your parents. Just don’t forget that attempting to practice compassion in the absence of moral truth is what turns people into devils under the guise of mercy.
Greg, I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said about the purveyors of death–Kevorkian, Lamott, the Hemlock Society, etc. I’m sure you helped the people dying you worked with tremendously.
But let me leave this thread with a brief theological point: Fearful, desperate people may be preyed upon by devils. But people don’t “turn into devils” anymore than they turn into angels.
The fact that you DO demonize these people speaks volumes to me about your level of compassion.
There are moral questions here which can be debated along the lines of the reasoning for the death penalty and abortion. For now I’d rather focus on something more vital to Christians.
Nancy rightly writes that Christians do not glorify or make a fetish of the cross. At the same time the crucifixion is the center of our faith, which distinguishes us from every other religion.
It is the answer to the problem of evil and our gateway to heaven. We do not have to wait until death to experience severe afflictions, physically or mentally, and our embrace unites us with Christ who is aware of our weakness.
The cross is where the rubber meets the road and true followers of Christ are seen.
At the same time we have to keep in mind the words of Paul that those who follow their consciences are justified by God.
Yesterday we visited a friend who has cancer. I am not sure what’s in store or the prognosis, but his mind is clear, conversation interesting, and spirit amazing. I found our visit heartening; he was giving us a lesson about the near-end-of-life. We talked of many things, perhaps more of the past than the future. As we were leaving, our friend grapsed our hands to say the Our Father with a brief expression at the end of gratitude for the friendships we had shared. I think that is what we Christians are called to.
As for Anne Lamotte: I have found her on-the-edge Christianity intriguing when I’ve read her: Tender Mercies and Plan B. She’s put herself through a lot, and been through a lot. I have found her embrace of the sinner-role a useful corrective for “good enough” religion. He said he came to save the sinners, and so she claims to be.
But the story blogged here reminds me that in her writing there is a certain quality of lovable sinner (love me, love my transgressing self) that she conveys and that comes through here–a kind of narrative that should be kept to ones self and not on public display. Nor do I think she had any right or authority to do what she did, which I beleive is also against the law in the United States–even in Oregon!
“Mel was not a believer.”
So much for any religious/theological thoughts on our part about Mel’s decision to kill himself.
That leaves something else for us to consider. I don’t have a label for that “something else” so here goes:
How selfish and self-centered of Mel. I’m only disappointed that I could not have substituted baby sauce for the apple sauce. I found this guy and this story disgusting.
My elderly father, widowed for 16 months, never wanted to be the lone survivor. He was very depressed. One night, he walked down to the corner bus stop and waited. When the bus arrived, the driver momentarily stopped, and my dad waived her off. As the bus started onward, my father threw himself under the bus so that it would crack his head wide open. When I arrived on scene a couple of hours later from out of town, I still saw brain fragments on the pavement. My father could no longer live life alone or so he thought.
My brother’s mother-in-law died at home of pancreatic cancer. Hospice was used. She was in agony, but family and friends visited her and her husband every day until she took her last breath. She was not mentally ill. She was courageous.
Mel sat down to eat with wife and friend, chat, etc. Then he decided it was time to go. What a creep!
Why the apple sauce? Why not baby sauce?
No religion involved here. Not even regard for his family and friends. Just Mel thinking about Mel. Just a “Me wanna have my way” guy.
Maybe the world is better now that he’s dead.
No sympathy from me. None at all!!!
No matter what our views, should we not always leave judgment up to God? The reign of God is always mercy, first, most and last.
My mother died from pancreatic cancer in 1997, living less than five months from diagnosis. My father died from transitional cell carcinoma in 2001.
I was with my mom at the moment of her death one Tuesday afternoon. I’d been with my dad hours before he died early one Sunday morning. In both cases I held their healthcare powers of attorney. We had hospice for both my parents – day for Mom, a couple weeks for Dad.
I would not trade one breath of any moment I had with my parents. Hard? You bet. Unbearable? I thought so. But each time I was convinced I could stand it no longer, there came enough strength to get me through that moment or that day.
Hospice’s “palliative” care is wonderful. But “Mel’s” way and hospice’s way may, in the final analysis, be only a matter of degrees, albeit more than a few!
I vividly recall a phone conversation with Mom’s doc about pain meds about a week before she died. Though unable to speak, it was apparent Mom was in a lot of pain. When I questioned the head nurse at the nursing home, I was told Mom was “on a schedule” for pain meds and there was no way to alter the schedule without doctor’s approval. Within minutes I had her doc on the phone, demanding an explanation. In no uncertain terms, her doc told me that he could increase the pain meds, but that there would come a point when the strength of meds necessary to ease her pain would also begin to cause her body to shut down. I knew what he was saying, and so did he.
One can neither truly know an experience nor what one will do under its circumstances until one has lived it. And to Bill’s last comment, I say Amen!