A post from Kristina Chew
May 20, 2008, 4:00 pm
Posted by Margaret O'Brien Steinfels
Posted by on May 20th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Greetings from Kristina Chew, Jim Fisher’s wife.
There is quite a discussion going on at my weblog, AutismVox, about the autistic 13 year old over whom a Minnesota priest has filed a restraining order.
http://www.autismvox.com/priest-files-restraining-order-against-parents-of-autistic-13-year-old/
I am curious to know what your readers might think.
Very best from Kristina Chew
autismvox.com
I was struck by this
The parents’ explanations sound far fetched, but if you have read any of Temple Grandin’s work in which she discusses her “squeeze machine” (or “hug machine,” as Wikipedia calls it), it sounds quite plausible. It seems to me there is at least some misunderstanding operating here.
I would want to know more before making a judgment, although it seems to me that to resort to something as extreme as a restraining order indicates there was a breakdown in the efforts to resolve the problem. I would add that my sister and brother-in-law have a developmentally disabled child, in no way threatening, but perhaps sometimes fidgety, and they felt they got no support whatsoever from the Catholic Church. An incident with a woman telling my sister she shouldn’t bring my niece to church was the last straw for them. They joined another denomination in which they and my niece felt much more welcome.
For a different approach, and a very moving story, see:
http://blogs.salon.com/0001772/stories/2003/03/11/thePassionOfElliot.html
The Races have been attending their church for 13 years. And while it sounds like their son’s problems have ramped up as he gets older, it also sounds to me like the priest, who’s been there for three years is having problems dealing with the situation and needs more information about autism and possibly some empathy training.
I’ve never heard of a family being slapped with a restraining order, but there are lots of Catholics who’ll tell you they don’t “believe in” autism, ADD, retardation, etc. They believe in bad parents, which is you. Our deacon likes to make pointed comments about how he and his 14 brothers and sisters knew they had to behave because there was a belt or shoe waiting at home to be used on miscreants.
First Communion for our kid was a nightmare. The DRE made it plain that our son would be required to go through the program on her terms or he would not be allowed to receive. (He made it through. We dealt with the “I hate her and her church” fallout for years afterward.)
These are not the attitudes I expect of a church with strong teachings about the dignity of all human life and care for the afflicted–and the afflicted often do not sit quietly in a corner. They can be weird, frightening and challenging.
I think things are improving slowly. One RE director, whose parish is big and rich and could afford to send her to special training programs, told me that in using techniques designed to help ADD kids stay focused, ALL the kids’ became more engaged.
Gina, thanks for the story above. It’s what you hope people encounter in Catholic churches.
Right you are Jean. And Gina showed us an example of how Christians should act. If excommunication is your thing then I would find the Rev. Daniel Walz eligible. Incidents like this prove that the parish is really not a church because a church is a community of Christ’s people. So the autistic child is “our” child too. Shame on that pastor and anyone who approves it.
I must admit that initially I wondered about the parents and caught myself. So easy to love and to care when we are not discomforted and inconvenienced. Outrageous!
Kristina, if there is anything we can do please help us help.
The first though tI had was what kind of pastorl theology training are clergyu receiving?0
Are they encouraged to seek assitance/ read up on on, etc. when faced with any specialized ministry problem, be it special needs, hospital or prison chaplaincy, etc.?
Part of the problem, I usupect, is wth so many one man parishes or onep riest, several parishes, it’s easy for Father to think he’s the”answer man” in all situations.
The recent Fordham GRE nesletter spoke about the just concluded conference they had stressing ministerail cooperation.
It would be interesting to know if part of seminary formation stresses such colaboration.
(i hope we’ll have a thread on Fr. Ference”s “why We’re Different” from the new Comonweal -an article I think that raises many questions some of which impinge on the problems of pastoral care.)
Not just the pastor Bob. In a Christian atmosphere, the parishioners would have clamored for a way for the family to participate. Our charity must extend to enemies too, What does this say when this is a sister and brother in the faith?
Just a couple of other observations:
I’m wondering why home communion wasn’t offered as an option to the Races’ boy, if only to give the priest a “time out” until he could work out something with the parents. The legal action just seems so draconian.
I’m guessing that a lot of people, including me, will wonder whether a boy who has to be tied up and sat on can get much out of Mass.
But conditions like autism and ADD can be awfully deceiving. When my kid was 6 or 7, he spent most of Mass doodling in a notebook and drawing scenes from Harry Potter movies. He seemed oblivious to everything, except when Hell was mentioned, at which he would laugh loudly because someone said a naughty word.
But when we’d get home and I’d ask what the priest said, he could give me a complete and concise account of the homily, the readings, and sometimes I’d hear him singing the hymns in his room by himself.
People with disabled children have a hard row to hoe and my general reaction is, we should be willing to put with some additional annoyance when we know that people are doing the best they can, and realize that the individual is not at fault for his own limitations. For instance, would the priest be nearly as upset with occasional outbursts or bouts of incontinence in a disoriented elderly parishioner? I’ve certainly seen this happen, and I assume it will be happening more and more in our aging population.
So it seems fairly evident that the priest is biased against this family. On the other hand, a 13 year old is a lot harder to deal with than a younger child — and on the evidence presented, it really is hard to know whether or not or how much one or both sides are exaggerating the threat or minimizing the disruption. If the kid is in the quiet room when he acts act, I don’t really understand why it would be perceived as being so disruptive. The parents, however, do seem to have rejected various accommodations, but since none of the articles suggests what those accommodations were, it’s hard to know whether they are also being unreasonable.
Just wanted to thank everyone for your very kind responses here—-there has been quite a heated discussion following my post. I don’t think there is a right or wrong here but a very complicated situation (and one that, in other contexts—not in religious settings—-Jim and I have had to deal with). I recognize the issue of how an older, and consequently, bigger child can seem to be more difficult to “accommodate.” Carol Race, Adam’s mother, offered her own statement and—-while some commenters have felt that she is too “biased” to respond (well, she is a mother)—it sounds that the Races tried very hard. In particular, they requested that a behavioral/autism consultant be allowed to observe and this request was apparently rejected.
http://www.autismvox.com/priest-files-restraining-order-against-parents-of-autistic-13-year-old/#comment-385148
Thanks to Jean for noting about your son—-a father left a number of comments on my blog about his efforts to help his 12 year old autistic son attend church. Not easy but it’s a good struggle. I think.
Very best from Kristina