1st Annual “Pontius Pilot” Awards for Unintentional Theological Comedy
It’s been getting pretty serious around here these days. No doubt the issues under consideration demand gravitas, but there’s always room for levitas too. As Shakespeare knew so well, some comic relief can serve to sharpen perception of the serious matters. And so, like Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, or Macbeth‘s drunken porter, I am stumbling onto this stage for a moment. I hereby open a thread and inaugurate the 1st annual “Pontius Pilot” Awards for Unintentional Theological Comedy.
Let me explain. Year in and year out, those of us laboring in the fields of theological education in grade schools, CCD classes, high schools, colleges, or catechetical programs attempt to guide students in the faithful quest for understanding. On this quest there are many moments of grace, to be sure. But there are also tragic failures of comprehension. “How could they get that wrong?” we ask ourselves. Paul did not lead the Israelites out of Egypt! Sometimes students are fantastically, exquisitely wrong: The 95 Theses were certainly not posted by Hans Urs von Balthasar.
Our tragic experiences of marking exams, quizzes, and papers are lightened, though, by precious gems of unintentional comedy. No, the word “canon” does not refer to “the weapon used by Titus to destroy the Jerusalem Temple.” But thank you, Rosencrantz, for guessing that! You have no idea how much that laugh helped me get through this stack of final exams!
Up until now, we teachers have shared such one-liners over lunch, email, or Facebook. But why not compile them over the academic year, and have an open thread in late May each year to honor the best of the best?
The categories are not going to be set from the beginning — we will have to see how this develops organically. By the beginning of fall semester, I’ll try to have some kind of portal in place so that teachers and catechists can update throughout the year and provide consistent comic relief. For this year, here are some guidelines:
- All entries should be from real students, but please preserve the anonymity of our award nominees. If you want to preserve your own anonymity, you may submit your entry to me at pontiuspilotawards@gmail.com and I will post it for you.
- Keep it short, but provide a little context if necessary for understanding. (For example, grade level and/or topic of assignment.)
- If your entry causes you to think of a clever award category, by all means include that too.
- More guidelines may develop as we go, but for now, I’ll get us rolling with some entries. (Note: I’ve been compiling a list over several years, so not all of these are from my current teaching position.)
In the category “Jesus“:
Jesus’ life was not extraordinary. … a man who grew up just like everybody else, besides being born from a virgin mother.
Jesus’ arrival as the savior of mankind essentially created a mess of how to identify groups of people in the New Testament.
In the category “Paul“:
Paul ruthlessly preaches to Gentiles.
I think that some of them would have agreed with this summary.
The thing is, Paul never met Jesus. Ever.
Isn’t that precisely the issue in the debate over Paul’s apostolic authority? To be honest, it’s a rather pithy way of summarizing the issue.
In the category “Typos and Neologisms“:
Pontius Pilot
Either a great Roman ship captain, or a handheld device (pictured above) for the 1st-century Roman procurator on the go. (Warning: Device must be put down before you wash your hands.)
Jesus was not trying to pubicize (sic) his spiritual identity.
Mark the Evangelist will be pleased that his characterization came across so clearly.
In the category “Heresy“:
No matter what religion you are, you can be one with God and join his tree.
I swear my lecture on Romans 9-11 and Nostra Aetate is completely orthodox, but that is what one student got out of it.
In the category “Interreligious or Ecumenical Misunderstanding“:
Justification by faith is a doctrine which divides Christianity from other Protestine religions.
Now there’s a Catholic for you! First, Protestants aren’t even Christians. Second, they’re Protestine.
In the category “You Fail History“:
Thecla was an area in New Testament Asia.
No respect in the canonical tradition. Now she’s a landmass — and not even a province.
On an exam’s map portion, Rome was labeled “Pompey.”
The Roman general Pompey would be so glad to know that after he was assassinated, Caesar also renamed the city after him!
In the category “Wow, That’s Like So Deep, Man“:
Man look at life from start to finish: God is the time that life moves along.
I have been pondering that one for 3 years, like a Zen koan.
In the category “Profound, or Just Plain Wrong?“:
Jesus wrote a book called Christianity, and he needed an editor and chose Paul.
OK, you get the idea. Teachers, make this go viral! And remember, if you want to preserve anonymity, you can email me at pontiuspilotawards@gmail.com.
UPDATE: I was notified right away that Tom Beaudoin had also posted a compiled list a few years ago at America’s blog. His list has some real gems, and I think the concept of a “deeper, perjuring truth” is a great nominee for the “Wow, That’s Like So Deep, Man” category.
An absolutely smashing string of theological pearls!
I’m still trying to figure out why my granddaughter asked me, while holding a black-eyed pea, if …”this is the supreme bean” ));
Do we dare ask where these come from or rather, what level of education and type of institution?
“Glory be to Art in Heaven.”
Singing in church:
“Glory to God,
Glory in the highest,
Peace to the speedboats,
Peace on Earth.”
- my kids
Gee, in all the years that I taught an introductory-level survey course about the Bible as Literature at the University of Minnesota Duluth, I did not receive any written statements that I would characterize as representing unintentional theological comedy. I gave nothing but essay exams: two mid-term essay exams and a final essay exam.
As an introductory-level course, it had no prerequisites. It did satisfy a liberal-education distribution requirement. But apart from that it was an elective course.
Registration at UMD has long been organized so that seniors register for course before juniors; juniors, before sophomores; and sophomores, before first-year students. But students from all four years were represented in the course.
Although my example is from a high-school Freshman in an English, it seems to fit the guidelines. I asked, “What’s the Christian word for not getting what we deserve?” The answer I was looking for was “grace”; the answer I got was “chastity.”
Oh dear, reminds me of the time my, then wee son, piped up after saying Grace Before Meals that we couldn’t eat the meal before us because there was four things on our plate.
When we asked why…it was because we had just prayed “Bless us oh Lord for these three gifts…” and we had too many.
Excellent entries! “Peace to the speedboats,” indeed! Some other entries have been rolling in through the email address, and it appears that new categories have emerged:
In the “Lord, Teach Us To Pray” category:
In the “Catechesis Q & A” category:
In the “Theological Vocabulary” category:
In the category “Other”:
Another entry for “Catechesis Q & A“:
On Vatican Two documents from college sophomores’ essays:
1. It’s hard to fulfill God’s needs day in and day out and there should be some leeway.
2. Gadium [sic] et spes also shows the evolution of the Lord himself.
3. Gaudium et Spes was one of the last documents to be written. Pope John XXIII died before it was released. This was not his call.
From a conversation with a friend last week.
“- I’m interested in Vatican 2.
- What do you mean, Vatican 2? Is there another Vatican??”