Coming Attractions 2008
Out with the old, in with the new. Enough about the Big Stories of 2007. Here are the big religion stories of 2008.
January: Retooling his successful Iowa campaign for New Hampshire, former Baptist pastor Michael Huckabee expresses previously unnoticed interest in becoming a Congregationalist. Congregationalist Barack Obama, looking toward a tight race with Hillary Clinton in South Carolina, begins referring to his “inner Baptist.”
February: Controversy swirls around the choice of Ann Coulter as chief speaker at the National Prayer Breakfast. Organizers of the officially nonpartisan event insist they never anticipated her prayer that Democrats be saved from the fire of hell. ”But I only spoke in the spirit of Christian charity,” she says.
March: Two weeks before Easter, CNN broadcasts a special report on a newly unearthed “Gospel of Joseph” revealing that Jesus was a troublesome teenager. Princeton University expert on early Christianity, Elaine Pagels, hails the document for making Jesus appear more human. Other scholars complain that the ancient manuscript appears to be written with a ball-point pen.
April: Pope Benedict XVI, during a brief visit to the United States, stuns reporters and commentators by indicating that he still believes in God, considers Catholic teachings to be true and opposes abortion and same-sex marriages. Consistent with four decades of findings, fresh polls of American Catholics confirm that they still revere the Pope but disagree with him about contraception, ordaining women and other issues. The newsweeklies detect a “deep divide” and “growing rift” between Rome and the American faithful.
May: Dismay fills the ranks of atheists at news that Richard Dawkins has been seen lighting votive candles and fingering a rosary at a small church near Cambridge. Witnesses challenge Mr. Dawkins’s initial protests that he was merely “doing research.” He promises to undergo therapy and later declares himself cured of belief.
June: Two hundred thousand Muslim leaders around the world issue a fatwa condemning terrorism and suicide bombing. This development is widely reported on page 37 of most newspapers, just below stories outlining the settlement of the television writers’ strike.
July: Fears that the Episcopal Church’s consecration of an openly gay bishop might disrupt the world’s Anglican bishops at the once-a-decade Lambeth Conference in Canterbury are completely eclipsed by word that the Vancouver diocese of the Anglican Church of Canada intends to begin ordaining whales. Fierce debate breaks out over the meaning of five biblical passages about “the Leviathan.”
August: On the eve of a still undecided Republican convention, Mitt Romney’s reveals that he is distantly related to a 19th-century leader of the Southern Baptist Convention. Michael Huckabee counters with evidence that he shares DNA with St. Francis of Assisi.
September: Angry bioethical debates among researchers and animal rights supporters break out over preliminary research suggesting that stem cells obtained by destroying baby seals might lead to medical breakthroughs. Some argue that every research possibility should be pursued. Others reply that stem cells obtained by destroying human embryos should prove sufficient.
October: Once again males dominate Esquire Magazine’s annual list of Best-Dressed Religious Leaders. With his trademark attire of Hawaiian shirts, the Rev. Rick Warren, megachurch pastor and best-selling author, leads the list, followed by the Dalai Llama, the Sufi Whirling Dervishes, Moktada al-Sadr, Pope Benedict and Tom Cruise.
November: Voters ignore charges that all Democratic candidates are devil worshipers. Democrats deny plans to rip out Ann Coulter’s heart during the Inauguration ceremony.
December: On the Fox television network, neoconservative elder Norman Podhoretz and Bill Donohue of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights demand that the incoming administration take sides in what they term “World War IV Against Christmas.” Mr. Podhoretz admits that he isn’t really concerned about Christmas but wouldn’t miss a World War IV for anything.
I’ve missed Dave Barry, but this’ll do!
Perhaps I’d add an event –For their Spring meeting, the American bishops who, bored with sitting in suits at this semi-annual gathering and ‘since no one reads these documents anyway,’ break into teams and spend two days in volleyball, bridge, and ping pong competition between those who are promoting the new/old Latin Mass and those who are not. Their are no winners, but all sing a rousing “Salve Regina” together and promise to take it up again in the fall.
That sounds like 100% genuine sincere Church-insider humor to moi!
Letterman call yet?
Bravo!
Ann Coulter in the news but twice in 2008, and Bill Donohue just once?
I knew my novena would kick in at some point.
Okay, that’s just flat-out brilliant. But for November you seem to have forgotten, “Several Catholic bishops announce that they will deny Communion to pro-choice nominee running for president. But the candidate isn’t Catholic anyway.”
In January Barack insists that he is not the frontruner and that everybody should stop attacking him. To those who mock that he is has not content, he retorts that he is doing fine without it, thank you.
Also in Januarius the American bishops decide to make it official that humility was never a desirable trait for bishops and that if you want transparency you can go to an x rated movie.
As for April, Peter, other than opining that Joseph R still believes in God, the rest of that paragraph seems remarkably true.
Finally, Peter, why didn’t you share with us what you know about whether we are in 2008 on “the verge of either an irreversible decline or a thoroughgoing transformation?” And what about your gene for alarm? If you get my drift.
it’s so cozy here with the ribaldry, i feel like i’m at a cocktail party, sipping literate mocktinis! ho ho
remember that movie, The Goonies? who was the director, um, was it, Dahmer?
good night gentlemen, it’s been real.
In 08, Christian pundits find a way to include everybody. that’s my prediction. party on.
Another entry into the prognostications for 2008.
LUKE Timothy Johnson reports that two weeks before the pope’s visit in April, prominent Catholic figure Peter Steinfels was thrown to the ground on a trip to Chacogo (Chicago in Aramaic) and was told by the Lord that he had to stop talking about a thoroughgoing transformation but should model it instead. Steinfels was told by the Master that he cannot wait until Cardinal Mahoney is kidnapped but wanted the Body of Christ to be rebuilt now. And to stop just talking about people adrift if you get my drift. And that his alarm gene is empty unless it is rung loudly. Accordingly, Steinfels swept into action by demanding a line item audit and transparency on victims of sexual abuse in the diocese. Whereupon his sight was restored. Moving quickly on a tripartite level he becomes the president of Voice of the Faithful, Bishop Accountibility and Take Back Our Church, simultaneously. He is reviewing Call to Action’s offer.
Meanwhile, he is met with fierce hostility by his Commonweal associates. Grant Gallichio exclaimed angrily if he wanted to really do somehthing worthwhile he could get at least one Chicago team in the first round of the playoffs. Margaret O’brien Steinfels immediately called for a DNA test and said she would settle for fingerprints. In the meantime the grandchildren were off limits as were any other true liberals.
Peter continued his burgeoning apostolate by issuing 19 demands at the doorstep of the Archdiocese of New York. Peggy Steinfels took a second look and noted that this was familiar. Further, he issued a statement that Benedict XVI was banned from crossing the border into Yonkers (also known as Rubicon) and that Pope John Paul II Blvd, aka Seminary Avenue, will be renamed, Take Back Our Church Blvd.
Bill: You’ve misspelled Mahony–or was that the Aramaic?
hi all David et al,
I’m just wondering whether you all as editorial decision makers could take a look at your tone, if it is true as you assert that you love the Church, and considering the historic role of Commonweal (and America) in the Catholic church. I understand that authoritative smugness prevails in ideological publications, but it doesn’t seem to be a worthy justification for it and it certainly doesn’t seem to be an essential element for change. Like it or not, you set the terms and conditions for discussion and dialogue and it leaves the dreaded ‘pew sitters’ in a disenfranchised position, much of the time. cheers.